Holiday gifts for kids that are oh, so wrong!

‘Tis the season for people to spend and spend and spend on the ones they love. Nowhere is this more true than in our frenzied attempts to win the affection of every child we know. Each year the market for kids’ gifts seems to explode with new gadgets and widgets, as well as the strange brew of items that your child never knew he needed until he saw them on TV. (This is why my 4 year old sings the praises of “Command Brand Products,” manufacturer of Large Adhesive Mounting Strips, as we wander through the aisles of TARGET.)

With so many gift choices out there, it is understandable that many companies try to find unusual ways to stand out from the competition. And sometimes they’re just a little too successful… in a scary way. It begs the question, what were they thinking?? Here’s my attempt to reconstruct their well-intentioned thought process.

Exhibit A: For the child who has too many positive role models

Let’s face it, positive role models are a dime a dozen these days. I mean, anyone with basic cable is already being inundated by the good works of the Kardashian sisters, the wise words of Miley Cyrus, and the fashion tips (or worse) of Duck Dynasty. Enough already! Get back to basics with a toy that inspires creative play without relying on the tired cliches of yesteryear. Say buh-bye to Barbie Doctor and hello to Bank Robber Belinda! She comes complete with removable gun, sunglasses, comfortable flats, and other accessories.

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Exhibit B: For the tween or teen who can only write via text message

Who says that fun only comes in 140 character increments?Teach valuable grammar and composition skills with this pre-written letter to Santa. Your tween or teen will love learning about traditional behaviors that attract big ticket gift items and the ease of filling in the spaces with a personalized wish list. (Also available with a pre-filled in wish list option.)

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Exhibit C: Happy Holidays to our lawyer friends

What could be better than a gift that simultaneously thrills the neighborhood kids and the city’s litigators? I mean how dangerous could this thing really be? Just find a sturdy tree and pray… (Liability waiver not included.)

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Exhibit D: The gift of laughter

No melody is more joyful and uplifting than the sweet sound of a child’s laughter. This holiday season, surprise someone you love with a dose of the giggles that she’ll never forget. (Tooth extraction and/or cleaning for an additional charge.)

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Happy Holidays, y’all.

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